Something a little different this year from the Fornies, we're still giving you something that we may never have stumbled on before but with a twist. To support the fandom's many MANY ongoing contests and one shots that may fly under the radar otherwise, we're choosing from a list of current or just finishing up contests and challenges and finding (hopefully) a little gem to share with you all.

If your looking for a contest/challenge to enter, be sure to stop by our affiliate TwiFic News or The Twilight Awards

SO without further ado I give you -


Let's start off with the official summary

I Wanna Eff You Like a Masochistic Lion B/c of Your Pools of Brown Diarrhea Eyes: The Worst Story Ever Told. Collab btwn Philadelphic, Feisty Y. Beden, & NelsonsMandela for JaspersDestiny's Worst Story Ever Contest. E/B/Jas/Jake/Smoke Penis/Care Bears. M

So let's get to it!

When having a night of drunken debauchery with KiyaRaven (of The Screamers and Grasping Darkness fame) and Meadow82 (who writes the uber scary The Muse In the Attic) late last week they put me onto this crackfic they'd both read and had them in TEARS giggling. So of course, after polishing off another or five glasses of goon aka a slang Aussie word for Cask Wine (there ya go, bet you didn't know the Boo was from the Land Down Under!) I got to reading.

And the snorts did not STOP! I LOVE a good crackfic, I actually quite like reading them when I need something light to have a giggle at and this one pulls out EVERY SINGLE STOP! There's multi pov's, there's the lines we all HATE to reread over and over again and the pop culture references and even things from the MOVIES (aka KStews blinking in morse code) get a mention. Seriously, you need a laugh THIS IS IT!

DEFINITELY a well deserving winner too!


I'll leave you with a little tease...

"Oh, Bella, Bella," he hissed, and I thought how strange it was to sound like a teakettle when you were getting your rocks off. But hey, different strokes for different folks, no pun intended. Okay, pun sort of intended.

Before I knew it, it was like fireworks of semen coming out of the head of his penis, I mean right out of his urethra, which is where such fluids usually come. One stream narrowly missed my eye, bouncing instead off my holy hoodie.

"Inside me, now," I panted, and I could practically hear Edward's penis cranking back up to full-mast as he got his full bouncy erection back. Creak ... creak ... SCHRPOING. It was magical. I wanted to worship before it.

He fiddled with my jeans, and suddenly they were by my ankles, and I was so wet that I gave him a face full of my own Juicy Juice. He sputtered and coughed, wiping some fluid from his brow. He pinched the bridge of his nose, and my clitoris had never wanted to be a bridge of a nose so much before.

Bella's Clitoris POV:
Uh, speak for yourself. No pinching here. Please. Please don't. Just ... no.

BPOV:
He palmed my breasts with cold, like, doctor-giving-you-a-womanly-exam cold hands, but I still moaned and bit my lip and blinked "Fuck me" in Morse code with my eyes.

"I'm a monster," he said. He motioned to his glorious cock. "Do you see that? This is the schlong OF A KILLER, Bella."

"Well, I've got a bleeding hatchet wound, so we're meant to be together," I said.

He clenched his jaw so tightly that I could have sworn I heard teeth breaking. I wished I knew what he was thinking. He shook his head, relaxed, and just rammed into me all at once, his penis so rough that he was scraping the insides of my vagina raw, despite the copious amounts of fluid coating everything. "I'm a virgin," I said, but all he did was thrust harder and harder.

"You're so tight, Bella," he groaned. "It's like trying to jam a Coke can into the eye of a needle."

"Oh, Edward," I said as his rod poked around, struggling to find purchase against the muscled walls of my birth canal. "Oh! I think I'm going to ... unnnggggh." I shivered, and my muscles clenched over and over again, my orgasm dragging me in its undertow even though I was a vagina-virgin (not a mouth or butt virgin). Edward's greeny butterscotch pools of brown went a bit cross-eyed, making him only more adorable, and I could feel the jets of freezing spooge burst into me like when you bite into a Chewel. The force was so great; it reminded me of that game at the carnival when you shoot a garden hose into the clown mouth to make the balloon inflate, and if you get there first, you win a prize.